Happy Birthday Mike And Other Stuff

Happy Birthday Mike And Other Stuff

1. HAPPY BIRTHDAY to one of my best friends Mike J. He turns something in his thirties today. More than 33 but less than 35. I won't get all mushy like G did on her site, because I don't think tying his balls up in a pink ribbon is a good birthday gift. So happy birthday beeeeyatch!! Incidentally, where did this rumor originate that Mike is such a nice guy that he doesn't bang random hoes? I mean, sure, he hasn't banged a LEGION of random hoes but there is a random ho or three in his closet. We went out to dinner to celebrate but I refuse to recap it until I have the humorous picture I took of him with his camera phone.

2. I was about to go to sleep at 2 in the morning the other night, but as I approached the television Karate Kid 2 came on. So I tried to fight off sleep because I'm a dork who likes this movie. Except two things. First off, who designed those powder blue, ruffled shirt tuxedos and why in the name of God have they somehow managed to survive the test of fashion time?? I swear every year, at every prom, in every state, there is at least one guy wearing this abomination proudly. Second of all, why was Daniel-san so pissed about spending the summer in Fresno? He didn't have any friends other than Mr. Miyagi and it's not like Reseda is the greatest of places to be. Unless you're a prawn star like Tera Patrick.

3. I sat in ants the other night. It sucked. Plus I didn't know that I had, so when I sat down on my couch afterwards, I brought them in with me. Like luggage. They bit me so I smooshed them instead of admitting them into my usual insect relocation program. Now I think I have ghost ants haunting me because sometimes I'll feel a random bite but when I glance at my arm a second later there's nothing there.

4. Wouldn't it be funny if this company succeeds in using the new Supreme Court property ruling to take Supreme Court Justice Souter's house, in order to build a hotel? They shouldn't even build one, they should just turn his house into one and add on. I'm sure there are some people out there who would pay good money to have sex in a Supreme Court Justice's kitchen.

5. I hate Comcast. And Verizon. Both these companies can just suck my big, fat, um, toe. By the way, that's another pro to growing a penis for a day, I could finally say "BLOW ME" and have some oomph behind it.

6. Tony got me a T-shirt today that he said he just had to buy for me. It says "SHOTS!!!" on it. You know you drink a lot when people start buying you alcoholic gear. They say you're an alcoholic if you drink a lot in social situations, even if those situations don't occur more than a few times a month. But I have a feeling that if I went to a 12-step meeting it'd be like that scene in Half Baked. Dave Chapelle goes to an NA meeting and some guy yells "You're in here for marijuana?? I sucked dick for coke!! That's an addiction. Have you ever sucked some dick for marijuana??" Comedy. But not to the people on their knees I suppose.

7. I have the never-healing mosquito bite right under my clavicle. I've had about 7 bites since I got this one and they've all healed just fine. But this one is like the Energizer Bunny of fricken mosquito bites. Maybe I got bitten by a special, mutant mosquito. It's like the reverse-Wolverine of the mosquito world. That's a much more interesting theory than the reality, which is that I keep fucking scratching it like an idiot.

8. At the tattoo parlor where I got my nose pierce changed, they had a big sign over the trashcan that said BIOHAZARD. It reminded me of one of my friends who said he wished people that got around came with some sort of sign, because it's awkward to question dates subtly about their sexual history.

9. Some more random confessions (with of course, no capitalization):

sometimes i eat ramen straight out of the bag without cooking it
i used to put makeup on my boyfriend in college while he slept then not tell him, knowing he never checked the mirror before going to class
i like to pick my scabs
i like to pick geo's scabs too
at a party once i ate two trays of jello shots out of the freezer then blamed it on tony
i don't like bees, to me they're freakier than snakes, clowns and spiders combined
whenever i find things in my food i just pick it out and keep eating
other people's farts make me laugh. except our cousin manny's. those need the BIOHAZARD sign
sometimes when people tell stories that aren't funny and take too long i stop listening and daydream about smacking them
i am almost physically fighting the urge to go back and capitalize number 9 as needed.