Talk To The Ham

Talk To The Ham

Do you guys remember how I'm a Law and Order freak, and also my television post and also my "Laminated Top 5 List" a la Friends? Good. Then you'll understand the significance of this:

Why is it that when people take pictures with celebrities, they pose as if
they're standing in Greece, next to an urn from the Hellenic period.

Last night, I had plans to meet up with the Chaos Radio crew for a comedy show. Mike was already going to be in the city for a happy hour, so me, Abel, Tony and Steve met him at a bar called The Patriot. Numerous random Wednesday evening shots later, I bounced outside to escape the Toby Keith marathon with a stoge. Abel and I are laughing about something when all of a sudden a familiar face walks by and we both freeze. Let me preface this by saying that I have seen and met a lot of celebrities just by nature of living in Los Angeles, New York and working in public relations. But other than when I met Michael Jordan, this is the only time I've ever given a crap.

So, I call out "Excuse me" and he stops and turns and I say "Ummm are you Jesse" and I was going to finish his name but it kind of just trailed off because I realized he was. And he says "yes" and walks over and I say "Oh my God, I love you." YES!!!!!!! Good one, Riss, and not freaky AT ALL. I amend it to say that I love his work, etc, and he asks me my name and we chat. He actually thought I knew him personally or something. I ask if I can pop inside and get my camera, and he agrees, so I walk to the doorway then literally RUN once I'm through the door. I rush to the table, throw out "OhMyGodJesseLMartinIsOutside" to the guys and grab my camera.

Meanwhile, outside, Abel is talking to Jesse just to make sure he doesn't leave. He tells him that every time he comes to my house, I've got all the Law and Orders Tivo'd. Mike and Steve follow me outside, we chat some more (he is a really nice guy) and then Abel takes the best picture ever. The cutest part of everything is that I was super giddy the rest of the night, and my four best friends were giddy too, just because they were so happy for me. I tried to stop randomly bursting into a huge smile and they were all like "Why are you trying to chill, enjoy it Riss." I love you guys!

Some other notes:

1. After the Cringe Humor comedy show (which was good), Mike and Tony dropped me, Abel and Steve off at Steve's place, where there was no liquor. Actually, there was dessert wine and (old I think) champagne. NOW, there's no more liquor.

2. We drunk dialed Maz. The Drunken Plan Maker strikes again and I think I somehow agreed to go to Australia next month for a week.

3. Abel loves to play Marvel Ultimate Alliance on 360 but it's too long of a name to keep saying so we just call the game "Coins" now.

4. Steve and I have been trying to find the grossest shot ever. So far it stands at tequila and bran flakes, which is extra disgusting because at the end of the shot, the pile of bran flakes has to be crunched and it tastes like solidified tequila chunks. Blech. Tequila and ketchup wasn't too bad though.

5. The waitresses and bartenders at The Patriot are SMOKIN. Our waitress Natalie was especially easy on the eyes AND a sweetheart. The owner is the same guy who owns Hogs and Heifers and Coyote Ugly and he rotates his staff. The regular bartender wasn't there though, and according to Mike she usually just wears tassles.

6. The bar played all country music, but had a few other CDs in the jukebox. Someone put on Creedence Clearwater Revival's "Have You Ever Seen The Rain" and all of us just leaned back and let me music wash over us. That song will forever remind me of one of the best nights ever.

7. I got to meet Heide's BFF Tim for the first time, and he rocks. They have matching tattoos, which you know, my goal is to eventually get a dragon on all my boyz. Tony's done, Abel will be soon and Geo will probably have it some time this year. Which leaves Steve and Mike. Heh. Mike's will be the size of a nickel and Steve's will be brown and located in his armpit.

8. Mike had to drive so he couldn't finish his Guinness. Tony didn't want it, so I turned it into an "Irish car bomb" (which you know, until that moment I hadn't thought about what a foul name that is for a drink) which is when you drop a shot of Baileys into the Guinness and down it. After I finished, Mike and Abel were just sitting there staring.

Abel: Dude, you're a fucking soldier.
Mike: I'll never be at your level.

9. Steve made us all personalized cookies. Mike's has a mustang on it, Tony's has a basketball, Abel's is in the shape of a heart (per his own request, "You know how I know you're gay..."), Geo's has a computer on it, Steve's has the symbol for Pi on it with I think 3.14159265 around it, Angelina's has a flower on it, Faith's has a smiley face on it and mine has a ham on it, because I'm lusting after a shirt that says "Talk to the ham" and a picture of a ham.

I look like an alien in this pic, or like my head is on backwards. "TALK TO THE HAM!!!"

10. Did I mention I met Jesse L Martin? Geo says that I have to knock him off the laminated list now, but that's not fair. The whole point of the list is that these are the 5 people you're allowed to sleep with if the opportunity ever presents itself. If you're going to knock them off once you meet them then my list might as well read "Rush Limbaugh, Dennis Rodman, Carrot Top, Pauly Shore and Dick Cheney." Blech.