March 29, 2005



I'm back with a vengeance, did anyone miss me? No? Screw you guys then, I'm going to babble on for awhile anyway.

I had a dream a couple of nights ago that I was trying to get at Chevy Chase. No seriously. We were on a golf course and he was dressed in some godawful, mismatched, plaid golf outfit and I kept making sexual overtures to him. I was on a mission too, I had my game face on. It was so bizarre I actually woke up laughing. Nothing happened of course, because you know I never actually get laid in my dreams. For once, I am actually thankful for that fact.

Last night I had a dream that Mike J and I hit up a real Fireman's Ball, one with thousands of guests. Former President George H.W. Bush was there and he was in the process of offering me a job when Christopher Walken leaned over and tried to veto it. Then he had the audacity to offer me more wine in a really suave manner. Later on as we were about to leave, I decided I had to use the restroom so I went to the back of the ballroom where they had a locker room. Yeah, I know. Just like my Dream Barn has a balcony. As I was using the toilet, Mike J walked in and tried to ask me for advice on how to nail some chick he was picking up at the bar. I screamed "FOR GOD'S SAKE MIKE I'M TAKING A FUCKING DUMP GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE" but he just kept firing questions at me. Finally he ran out when I started throwing the extra rolls of toilet paper at him. Then I woke up. All agitated and shit.

I miss Dean. For the week he stayed at my house, I got to hear him randomly throw words like "cockmilk" and "vrokenheimen" (according to Dean, saying "popped her cherry" is offensive so he likes to say it in "German") into every day conversation. "Damn these cookies would be good with some milk. Not cockmilk though."

Geo and I are obsessed with The Incredibles. I mean really obsessed. Like we've watched it about forty times since we got the DVD a week ago. If I could choose which one of their superpowers to have I'd want Violet's abilities. Invisibility and the power to throw up force fields that withstand bullets and explosions. Awesome. I also love how Jason Lee plays Syndrome, he was also a great bad guy as Azrael in Dogma. He made me want to name my kid Azrael. "No pleasure, no rapture, no exquisite sin greater than central air."

I just ate a buttload of Famous Amos cookies and now I'm fighting valiantly to keep it down. I guess "tossing your cookies" isn't just a metaphor.

Guilty people all over the country are sobbing with fright now that Johnnie Cochran is dead. It's a tragedy. Just think of how many criminals might actually be punished for their crimes now. The country is going to hell. Now who will defend O.J. the next time he kills one of his faithless wives.

Tony picked up the Playstation PSP and I must tell you I am celadon with envy. Not emerald green, but light green-ish. The clarity on that thing is unbelievable. It's like watching movies or playing video games on a tiny little LCD screen. I mean I am perfectly happy with my Gameboy Advance SP but if a PSP were to magically appear in my pocket after one of Tony's visits I wouldn't be unhappy. And I'd be able to look mad innocent when he tells me he "lost" his new Playstation PSP.

I would like to further debate the whole Patrick-Dempsey-as-a-"What-The" issue, if people will humor me. I refuse to accept that he doesn't count as a "What the hell is she thinking wanting to nail him" guy, just because he's kinda hot now. I realize he was popular during the Can't Buy Me Love days. But let's face it, he was a dork. Think of the movie Loverboy as the litmus test. Did anyone REALLY buy him as a paid gigolo? No, they didn't. And why? Because he was a dork. So in conclusion, it's been 17 years since I took a Logic class but given that:

P = Patrick Dempsey was a dork
Q = Dorks are normally not considered men to bang
R = Dorks are considered What Thes

If P implies Q and Q implies R then P implies R and Patrick Dempsey is a What The.

Take that, Ray.

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